I'm not trying to change your loneliness

The community centric approach to egg freezing, and investing in early motherhood as a tribe

I stare out over a topaz and neon orange sky overlooking the the City skyline in the distance. I can see Salesforce Tower poking up as the tallest building, and the irony of it doesn’t escape me. 
The thing that felt so big and inescapable just a year and a half ago now seems so small. 
Just a speck on the horizon. That’s so often how it feels in hindsight. 

There’s three really important life things happening for me right now. 
So important, I’m noticing how I’ve avoided talking about them. 
Like I’ll jinx them. Like it’s unfair to feel THIS much expansion and joy.

So, here goes..

1. I’m 3-weeks into leading my first 4-week Intimacy program for women doing deep inner work, wanting to create epic love and juicy life partnership. My intention for running the program is to teach concepts from my own life and to test it with women in every stage & version of relationship — from single, mono, poly-dating, married, etc. and experiment as a group with letting in more love from themselves & others. I’ve never felt so alive! (Thanks Jeff Lieberman for the accountability checkins at the end of last year, and sparking my momentum as I approached a growth edge).

2. At the same time, I’m living with 3 close friends for 30-days while they get their eggs frozen. My egg freezing process several years ago was painful, emotional, and spiraled me into depression afterwards. So my intention for being here is to support, reflect, cuddle and listen. My plans aren’t going so well thus far. 

3. I’ve chosen to spend a month in the “Yoni House” while my husband hikes Kilimanjaro. His mom told him it’s odd that we’re apart — “you’re married.” she said. I can see how our commitment to secure attachment leads us to make choices that aren’t mainstream. It feels so good to be apart. Even though I miss him.

“I want to freeze my eggs like I want to raise my babies” Tasha said in opening circle our first night in the “Yoni house” together when I’d shared the loneliness during my egg freezing process and my desire to raise kids in a village lifestyle. 

I felt the dreams click into alignment and the possibility of what could unfold. “I know I’ll never have to be alone. We’re lifers.“ I wrote in my journal that night. This house is a short term investment towards a long term dream for me. 
Though it’s not working out according to plan so far, and it’s reminding how to detach from expectations. 

The girls are as high risk as a grandma during their hormone injections and egg extraction process. It’s really important to me to live carefully and show my love for them by being super conservative on COVID risk.
So we agreed to no visitors, eliminating my dream for all the friends I’d imagined of having over for family dinners to cuddle and talking all night. I’m back in San Francisco for my first time in 8 months since packing all our belongings into storage to nomad around the world. So, agreeing not to host friends has a special sting to it. 

Just a few nights into our stay here I got a text from the one person I’d spent time with, that she’s positive for COVID. 
This meant I needed to get my own place to stay, and if my PCR turned up positive too I wouldn’t get to see Edmond before his flight to Africa. So, naturally, I let myself feel the heartbreak fully and sobbed in the car before I drove away from the house.

My heart dropped. I was “supposed to” be here making the girls tea, waiting in the Dr’s office , and holding them in their emotions. That was all on pause. I wanted to be the best support system they could ask for, but instead I was the one bringing the COVID risk into the house. The disappointment was real.

As I watched the sunset on my third night of solo time in Half Moon Bay, I signed in relief. 
It was the best case scenario.
I had full days to follow my own beat.
To let my creative genius go nuts on the Intimacy program design.
To hike when I wanted to, cook for myself, and start reading Unbound. 
I put on my cozy blue robe as I got out of the shower and thought “what a luxury” to have 5 days all to myself.
I imagined one day having little kiddos begging for my attention, and alone time being the ONE thing that I craved.

Instrumental piano played on my laptop and my days flew by.

Yet instead of feeling invigorated, I found that the more I let my genius shine, the more I felt afraid.
I got to experience my fears around the program being a flop. 
I met the insecurity of not delivering any value.
I experienced the deeper fear of not being supported in this world. 
Nobody to turn to. Nobody there for me. Nobody to support me when I need it. 
This was all the voice of a childhood story playing on repeat in the back of my mind, and now it had a chance to be heard.

In hearing this voice, I turned the same curious questions I’d taught in the intimacy program:
I connected to the insecure part in me. The part who felt alone and scared. I asked…

1. What does that part of me care about?

2. What is it afraid of? 

3. What does it want for you?

4. What else would it like to share?

I noticed it was a loneliness I’d self-created.
Just a story.
The same story I’d believed in my own egg freezing process. 
Alone. Lonely. Depressed. Hopeless.
In this moment, it was a story I chose to witness.
To be curious with.
To find compassion for.

I’d created my own bubble of suffering.
And I wasn’t going to do it again with my creative work.

After my own inquiry I messaged two of my friends, Katherine & Kelly - they felt my fear and replied “What kind of sigh??”
Their humor brought lightness to my stories of aloneness in the world sparked me right out of my spiral, and back into gear.

As I approach leading week 4 of the program, I can see how I’m orienting towards collecting critical feedback and improving the thing I’ve identified as my biggest disappointment. 
I haven’t created the cohesive group field that I’d wanted to. 
I need to do better. 
Be better. 
Fix it.

And that brings me to the real juice beneath all of this for me.
My big takeaway from the Masterclass with Joe Hudson.
The pattern of “wanting to fix” myself. 
Only focusing on what could be better.
Rather than celebrating all that’s good already.

• I want to celebrate the shifts I’ve seen the women go through in the last 3 weeks in the intimacy program. Like a breakthrough with a husband, as she witnessed her own pattern of chasing him when he retracts -- and her new ability convey how unsafe it felt to be disconnected from him. He softened and they repaired. 

• I’d like to celebrate the sisterhood I felt when Katrina, Beerit, Tasha decorated my room to surprise me. They helped me feel at home in the space and I fully let their love sink in in the moment I walked in! 

• And I’m celebrating the 20 hours Edmond and I had together before he took off for Africa. We slow danced before bed, made love multiple times, and co-authored journal entries while cuddling on the couch.

So, I’ll notice the pattern of wanting to fix myself and I’m choosing to celebrate myself instead.